Lost

I found myself holding a camera in my hand
and looking through the viewfinder.

I was in the living room, heart racing -- not mine
and there was trouble with the words on the page.

I moved to the kitchen and breathed heavily
Into my ears. Heart racing -- mine.

I found myself practicing a commercial
About Netflix.
About Netflix?
It was silly and I laughed at myself.
It was silly and I had fun.
I remember it like it was yesterday.

I found myself on a blanket -- it was chilly outside.
Surrounded by green grass
On all four sides.
I held my camera up and took pictures of myself.
I'm good at that :-)
I think it's a gift.

I found myself at an eatery.
Mediterranean, I think.
Holding a shoe in my hand?
Or a foot minus the shoe?
And eating a salad with field greens and pecans.
The dressing was sweet and spicy.

I found myself,
Dreaming of Hookah.
Wafting the smoke in the air
and sitting cross-legged on an Egyptian rug.

But it's all just a dream.

A lost dream.

There I was again.
Found.
Thinking of business ventures galore.
Brilliant ideas. Creative ideas.
Some might even work.
My ideas make me smile,
Good or bad.

I found myself trying to quit smoking.
Edgy anxious and snippy.
Driving in circles.
I can't find that goddamn place!
Drive away.
No. Yes.
No.
Barking. Laughing.
But I found it.
And I stopped being snippy
Because I smoked.

I found myself in a white house.
White carpet.
White modern furniture
White plush sofa.
Am I dead and gone to Heaven?

A reporter speaking.
A drink in my hand.
A white tank top and
white pants.

I found myself.
Wearing a T-shirt.
It's worn and faded,
But I can read some of the words--
Beautiful. Perfect.

Beautiful? Perfect?
Not me. Not I. Certainly not B!

Then--
I lost myself.
I thought I was smarter than that.

I didn't think I'd become lost, again.

© 2009 Angelo Bell